When Does a Retreat Feel Like a Victory?

From Menletter April 2006

By Leo Horrigan

Four of the past five Junes, I have traveled from Baltimore to the Berkshires, to the town of Rowe, Massachusetts, to attend a men's retreat known as the Men's Wisdom Council. Without fail, the event recharges my batteries and leaves me feeling more self-aware, more confident and more connected to other people. It's an annual renewal.

When you find something that you really like and benefit from, you want to share it with other people (don't hide that light under a rock!). So, every year I tell myself that I want to encourage a few of my male friends to join me at the following year's retreat. I resolve to a write an open letter describing the experience.

This year, I finally got around to writing that letter about Rowe. You're reading a modified version of it now. I even got up the courage to email the letter to about 70 men - relatives, friends and neighbors. What motivated me most was knowing that the letter would gnaw at me for another whole year if I didn't send it out soon. Now, I'm hopeful that a few male friends of mine will take me up on the offer of a "profound retreat experience."

As a believer in the ripple effect, I'm also hopeful that this letter will inspire other men who've experienced Rowe to reach out to some of their friends in their own unique way (I know many of you have done that already).

Writing is an easier way for me to relate the experience, because whenever I try to describe it in everyday conversation, words seem to fail me. It's just not an experience that can be summed up in 50 words or less (though I'll try not to bore you with 50,000 here).

On the other hand, no matter what I write about my experiences at the Men's Wisdom Council, I could never really do justice to the experience. For me, it is much too profound an event to be translated into mere words. Each retreat is unique and full of surprises. Whoever happens to show up in a particular year - and the chemistry among them all - creates the event. You couldn't pre-package it if you tried.

Sometimes the event gets very spiritual for me, even blissful. Other times it is like revisiting a summer boys' camp that I never visited in the first place - everybody acting like a bunch of giddy kids. Parts of it can be a little scary, I'll admit. For me, exploring deep emotions can be the most frightening thing imaginable. But, I always come away feeling like the payoff was well worth the emotional investment.

Speaking of investment, the first time I went to Rowe, in 2001, it seemed like I was investing a lot of time (nearly a week) and money in something that was mostly an unknown to me. Part of me thought I was being frivolous. But, I had decided to trust a good friend's heartfelt recommendation. I came back from the experience feeling like it had been time and money well-spent - and that I would try to trust friends' recommendations more often.

I was already counting the days until the next Men's Wisdom Council.

It is rare in this society that men have a chance to spend an extended amount of time together, doing anything other than work - or what we call "work" in the mainstream. What happens at these retreats is actually referred to as "men's work," and believe me, at the end of a retreat day I usually feel some sense of elation but also feel like I have gotten a workout, whether it be emotional, mental, physical, or some fine blend of these.

When men do get to spend extended time together, it's often a fairly superficial experience - satisfying on some level, but never getting at profound ideas or deep emotions.

There is something about spending a week at a retreat like this one that helps each man become more self-aware and more comfortable with his "maleness." Mind you, no one there is preaching about a "right way" to be a man. The facilitators merely create a framework in which each man can get closer to figuring out what his true self, and true life's path, might be.

I always come away from the experience reminded that I am not alone in my angst about the world at large or my little piece of it; that my life experience might be unique in some ways, but it also overlaps with everyone else's in more ways than I usually imagine. The 8- or 9-hour car ride back to Baltimore is a wonderful chance to connect with our carpool partners. Everyone is eager to debrief about their experience, imprinting it more firmly into their psyche.

Rowe has helped me get more in touch with my creativity. I've always believed that everyone has creative talents in them, but that there is a continuum in terms of how much they have tapped into that creativity. I have seen many men discover hidden talents at Rowe, and I certainly count myself among them. The week always makes some poetry flow out of me - even though the rest of the year it seems you couldn't pull it out of me with a 20-mule team.

You get the sense that each man is experiencing the week in a different way. That's part of the wonder of it. Yet, there are moments when these 25 or 30 men seem like parts of one great organism, totally in sync with each other. The circle of men seems to honor the individual while also reminding each man of his place in the larger world.

In a very literal way, we breathe together on one day. We use a method called "breathwork" to achieve an altered state of consciousness (without side effects!). For many men, including me, it’s their favorite part of the week. (See http://www.breathwork.com )

There is never any pressure to participate in any particular activity that happens at Rowe. Participants are always reminded that they are the boss of their own experience at the retreat. On the other hand, while I'm there I always feel like a little kid who doesn't want to miss anything. I've rarely felt compelled to sit anything out.

If any of this makes you curious about attending this year’s Men’s Wisdom Council, email me at hodee3@verizon.net.

This year's retreat happens June 11-16.

Maybe this will be the year you take your first leap into the Men's Wisdom Council. The other men will help you land on your feet - or maybe you'll help them land on theirs.

Best regards to you all,

Leo Horrigan

Editor's Note: Leo Horrigan is a friend whom I met at Wisdom Council. Neither of us is on the staff of either Rowe or the Wisdom Council, and neither of us stands to gain anything from your attendance but a new friend. [Update, 2011: Leo joined the staff of Men's Wisdom Council a few years ago.]

For two other essays on the Men's Wisdom Council, see the following links:

What Happens at the Men's Wisdom Council (http://menletter.org/articles/What%20Happens%20at%20the%20Men's%20Wisdom%20Council-April%202003.htm)

Wisdom Council (Note that the dates and costs are from 2005.)

(http://www.menletter.org/articles/wisdom%20council-april%202005.htm)

You can also e-mail me at menletter@aol.com for more information.

Web sites for Rowe and the Wisdom Council

Rowe Camp and Conference Center: http://www.rowecenter.org/

Men's Wisdom Council: http://www.rowecenter.org/pages.php?name=MWC