Victimization

From Menletter June 2002

By Tim Baehr

If you've followed the men's movement or read some of the Web sites from the previous newsletter, you're probably aware that men face many challenges today. Just looking at longevity statistics, the number of men in jail, the portrayal of men in the media, and the inequities of divorce would indicate that something is amiss. If we wanted to have a pity party about the stuff we face, we could go on and on about male "victimization" by - uh-oh - mostly other men.

Here's where things get sticky. To the extent that society (and especially certain feminists) lump us all together, we're our own worst enemies.

Having a clearly defined enemy was essential to the feminist movement. Although many women simply, and admirably, refused to be limited or put down, there was a substantial number that felt they had to resort to legal redress in the form of class-action lawsuits, lobbying for women-friendly laws, and so on. Their opponents were mostly men, or institutions run by men. By identifying themselves as victims, and often rightly so, women gained sympathy and got results.

The irony is that the same opponents are the ones who allow maternity leave but not paternity leave; almost automatically award child custody to the divorcing mom; laugh at men who are victims of domestic violence; think nothing of expecting salaried men to sacrifice domestic responsibilities to career advancement (women are catching up in this arena); and so on.

How do we mount a resistance movement against an oligarchy that happens also to be a patriarchy? When do we say, "I've had enough" and begin to take steps? How do we "take steps" against what much of society sees as our own brothers?

I don't think the "victim" model will fly. At best, we'd be labeled as hypocrites; at worst, cry-babies.

But I don't have a definitive answer, either. I just think our approach may have to be quieter and less public than what the women did. Here are a couple of places we could start:

1. Get to know, and know about, other men. You're probably doing this already, or you wouldn't have found your way onto this subscription list. Men who do this find that they have much in common - their fears, aspirations, griefs, joys. Men who understand each other can add cooperation to their competitiveness.

2. Make friends with women who like men. Sounds kind of stupid? Let's foster friendships and deeper relationships with women who don't see us all as potential rapists, sports nuts, or open wallets.

3. If we have kids, raise them with an appreciation of the strengths of both men and women, and the great variety of abilities and temperaments we have. In the ideal world, a girl grows up loving to be a woman; and a boy grows up loving to be a man. And both loving and respecting each other.

4. Realize that the media and our mass culture isn't particularly friendly to any of the first three points. Because of the vast amounts of money and resources at its disposal, we have little hope of going at it head-to-head. (Besides, they're mostly men, and we're our own worst enemies, etc.).

5. Think long. All of us - men and women - live in a world largely not of our own making, a world that often co-opts some of our best inclinations and commercializes it. (Remember the pseudo-feminist ads from Virginia Slims cigarettes? A woman's right to get cancer like a man!) How can we co-opt the world as it is now and slowly turn it away from its madness? Part of the answer may be in how we raise our children.

6. Think short. Here are some things I wrote down nine months ago as possible responses to the terror of September 11. The horror was real, and the terrorist thugs are to blame. But there are also some aspects of our culture that seem capable of destroying us from within or causing others to want to destroy us. These steps are extremely modest, but maybe that's where we've got to start.

● Buy and bank locally. Keep money in our communities and not in the pockets of the chain stores.

● Buy used. That way, you're not subsidizing the advertising industry and the "novelty tax" we pay. Also, with careful buying, you often get better quality.

● Avoid stuff from known polluters and exploiters. If you really need that SUV, fine. But maybe you can afford a smaller commuter car for everyday use.

● Practice thrift: live modestly, reduce waste.

● Pray, meditate - do something that gets you in touch with the spiritual.

● Live healthy. Men need strength for their families and communities.

● Volunteer. Almost anything would do; it's as much for your soul as it is for the community.

● Be zany. Tyrants and exploiters hate humor.

Notice that these aren't necessarily men-only solutions. To the extent that we live in a toxic environment, we all suffer. I have no doubt that many of the gains women have made in the past 25 years have benefited all of society. Flip it around now: anything that truly benefits men will also benefit all of society.

What are your ideas? Do we men have it easy, and are men who object to exploitation just whining? Are men really victims who need to sue someone for everything that oppresses us? What do you think?