The Second Time Around

From Menletter October 2006

By Tim Baehr

I am intrigued by some of the experiences I've had in doing men's retreats and workshops, comparing first and second times around. I'm talking about the kind of exploration into what some call the "deep masculine," using mythology and ritual in a small community formed in a natural setting such as the woods or a wilderness area.

The first time I attended the Men's Wisdom Council*, about eight years ago, I took in every detail of the five and a half days we 25 men spent together. It was all new, and every detail sunk in deeply, resonating with my need to be with men. I delighted in how the narrative arc of the week took us from a bunch of strangers to a tight-knit community of sharing to some very deep emotional work in a way that felt completely natural and uncontrived. We danced, played drums, sat in council, wrote poetry, cried, laughed, exposed and healed old wounds, and did some simple ritual work that altered our usual view of ourselves and our world. All this within an environment of utter trust. It was a thrilling, invigorating week for me.

My second experience of Wisdom Council, the next year, had all of the same ingredients, with slight variations in personnel and activities. But the individual ingredients had mellowed and blended. The whole week felt better, and I was far more comfortable. I knew the ingredients: the activities, the leaders, and the men who had returned from the previous year. I was still on the alert for new experiences, but not as intensely so. Although I could notice differences from the first year, I felt I didn't have to rivet my attention on every nuance. Events unfolded in what felt like a natural sequence.

I had similar experiences the first and second time I undertook a vision quest** - a ten-day retreat that includes a four-day solo fast in the wilderness. The first time was fantastic and somehow very healing. I attended to every detail of the experience, searing them into my consciousness. The second time was much more relaxed, but it went many levels deeper into my psyche as I let the overall experience simply soak in.

Only One

There will only be one first time. And there will only be one second time. For some men, being introduced to intensive men's work at a weekend or week-long retreat can be a singular experience - so singular, in fact, that they don't return for a second time. What they experienced may have been too scary, too boring, or simply not in tune with who they were.

If you have had a singular experience in men's work, at a weekend or longer retreat, or even just attending a men's group meeting, you may want to consider going a second time, either to the same kind of event or to another men's event.

What will you get out of it? Maybe your first experience was unsatisfactory or didn't resonate with you because of factors that were strictly temporary. The leader was too controlling. One man dominated all the conversation. The activities seemed contrived and forced. A second experience, or an experience in a new group, may show you an entirely different picture.

Maybe the experience was so good, so magical, that you don't feel a need to repeat it. You may even feel that a second experience will somehow take away the magic of the first one. Give it one more try. The magic will be different, and the same. You may become a more active participant in making the magic, rather than just letting it wash over you.

Maybe the experience was too intense, unexpectedly too close to dredging up intense emotions that you would like to keep buried. You may find it useful to take a break from this kind of work. Return to it later, with a clear intention to concentrate on one specific area where you think your life needs work.

I can't guarantee that your second encounter with men's work will be better than, or even different from, the first time. But I've seen enough third-timers and tenth-timers to guess that their second time led them to a strong desire to continue the work.

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* The Men's Wisdom Council is an annual five-day retreat held in mid-June at a camp in western Massachusetts. You can read an account of my experience at http://www.menletter.org/articles/wisdom%20council-april%202005.htm.

** Vision quests are organized in several places. Some are based on native American traditions, some on other traditions. One I have attended was chronicled at http://menletter.org/articles/Vision%20Quest-September%202005.htm. The leader's website is here: http://www.questforvision.com/. Another good description of a vision quest is here: http://www.ritesofpassagevisionquest.org/visionquest.html.