Men's Work

From Menletter November 2003

By Tim Baehr

I recently asked our subscribers to tell me how men's work - men's gatherings, men's groups, etc. - had affected their lives. Here, lightly edited, are the responses.

Larry Murphy

Poet, staff member of the Men's Wisdom Council, co-facilitator of a drumming and poetry group

"Mending The Web" speaks of what men's work means to me. It has transformed my life.

MENDING THE WEB

I am digging at the foot of a maple tree.

I look down into a tangled web of roots.

My trowel has unearthed a shard of glass,

Several stones and a pile of dark dirt.

We drop our bundles whispering to the dead,

Scrape the earth back into the hole

And tamp it smooth with our hands.

One man pours water from a silver chalice;

It seeps down into the ground

Easing the pain of severed roots.

We kneel together blessing buried gifts:

Bits of crow feathers,stones,prayers,

Poems of praise,rice,and barley.

The graveyard is peaceful,filled with joy.

The living and the dead belong together.

One by one we get to our feet.

The chalice sparkles as we file out.

Our hearts fill brimming with great joy.

We have begun to mend the web.

Lawrence Murphy

Dale Leffler

Leader of a men's group in New Jersey (http://men-to-men.themenscenter.com/)

Dale's description was a great reminder of what my early experiences were in men's work. He also sent along two other long pieces. I may be able to get to them in a later issue.-- Tim

What is it about the Men's discussion gathering that may change Men?

The Showing Up.

It could be the first time a man went somewhere on his own or at least for his own self. It entails walking into a room full of strangers. That is a courageous act. It means facing many internal questions. Maybe even the BIG question. Where do all these questions come from and why do they run my life. Questions like:

· What will they want of me? Who should I be for them? What masks will I wear?

· What will they think and say about me? What will I say? How little can I get away with?

· Will it be the "right" thing? I don't even know the rules!

· What if I embarrass myself in front of ALL these guys? And all those other questions.

· Oh well, I can always just get up to pee and leave. How bad can it be?

The Listening.

A new man must step into the room where other men are being warm, affectionate, and friendly. He is not part of the "IN" group yet. He is 'A party of one.' Confronted with his aloneness he can chose to initiate a conversation or wait to see what happens. All the time the internal judge is working overtime. The dialog volume in his head is set to full scream. A guy calls the meeting to order by inviting someone to light candles honoring the past, present and future. Here the internal judge gets to take a shot at what this may mean and the newcomer can respond silently in his head. This is called awareness. I am talking to myself about what is going on right in front of me. And I am answering myself. So, there is a third party on the line now. Where was that party on one?

The Non-Judging

I had one voice when I came in the door, another voice when the I watched the guys interact and start the meeting; now I'm the responder to the judge, the judge and the 'watcher' of them both while another man is reading some rules. The words, "sharing, acceptance, compassionate respect, support" don't sound so dangerous, although I don't know that I'm going to be a part of that, if I will "fit " in here. I'll just listen in. This "listening in" is a quieting of the voices, waiting to hear if it is safe and if there is judgment from others.

The Cracking in the everyday thinking.

An opening or crack in the egg may appear towards the end of the Operating Principles. These rules seem OK for now. I can handle most of them, even if I'm not quite sure what they all mean. They seem pretty straightforward.

Continuing, the leader invites the guys to get comfortable, turn cell phones and pagers off and if they are comfortable with it, close their eyes. A guided progressive relaxation is verbalized. This maybe the only time since early this morning men have closed their eyes for longer than a blink -- the only time they have stopped moving, running, driving, preparing, planning, worrying, anticipating and thinking about what was or what might be.

The Break.

A respite, a break, an interruption in what we are always doing.

I am taking time to be here now. To feel my body, all the parts as the guide directs my attention from my big toe, to my arch, to my heel, to the texture of my socks or the floor. I'm feeling my feet. As I take this time, I take it for me, not for my loved ones, my boss, or others. I'm doing this for me and it feels good. I like to do things that feel good. I want to do more things that feel good. Uh-Oh can't get too excited here. I'm with strangers. I wonder if they hear my thoughts? There I go with those questions again.

The Awareness.

The leader directs the attention of the group toward our breath, to watch it and feel it as it enters the nose and passes by the back of the throat into the lungs as the belly rises.

He says to listen for messages from the body about any pain or discomfort. He says to acknowledge the truth and value of these messages. We can take care of them in future time, for now, just be aware and acknowledge them. As a count-down happens, I'm coming back, back into the room, rested, aware, and awake. Somehow more quiet now. The group begins its "check in" and these men talk about themselves and their lives with honesty, a vulnerability, a truthfulness that is astounding. "Guys don't talk like this." I hear my mind tell me. I feel something like inner knowledge that tells me my mind doesn't know what it's yapping about. I have an inner knowing that I didn't know about. Is that a message?

What am I going to say when it's my turn? I'm not ready. Oh, he said what I was going to say. Now I gotta think of something else. I know what that other guy was just saying, I said that myself last week or at least thought I would like to have said that to somebody. Now it's my turn. I hear myself tell about this story about how I found the place, the events, the calls, e-mails, return calls, directions, missed turns and what all brought me here. I notice that I'm being listened to. I was not interrupted. I went on and on and it was OK. I probably said too much. I hope they don't think of me as a GOOF. Some of the stuff didn't come out quite right. These guys seemed to know what I meant anyway. Hey, I listened to myself! I said that! It was OK! OK, I'll be all right tonight.

The Acceptance.

This place is pretty safe after all. We talk for a while and time flies by. The leader speaks of the ritual, a blessing circle. We all stand, a man on my right puts his arm around my shoulder, and then, the man on my left puts his arm around my waist. This first time it's kinda, well, ya know, weird, 'cause I just met these guys. Everyone else seems to OK with it. The leader speaks about the Universe granting compassion and a healing touch to those who are hurting and suffering. Then he thanks US! I'm not sure what to make of that. I think I'll probably be back next week to see what's up with that one guy. I liked what he had to say.

The Return.

In returning, week after week, men hear who they are, who the want to be, who they are becoming in front of other men who care about them in ways that are healthy, encouraging and loving. They hear other men clearly, with their pain and struggling, with their celebratory joy, with love, weddings, kids, parents and themselves. We hear reality and hope. We share our lives and we are loved for it and because of it. This sharing is our reason for meeting. I don't think the meetings changes men.

I think LOVE changes men. The meeting provides a place for that love to be, Men-to-Men.

BA

B.A. is a friend I met at this year's Mens' Wisdom Council.

I think B.A. is answering about work in general. But in the context of aware masculinity, it's all men's work. -- Tim

I've used work as a "narcotic" because I'm basically a "workaholic." I'm also a "sportsaholic." I'm currently unemployed and I'm unsure when I will work again.

Work has served me many times:

1) to provide me with money and health insurance

2) to provide me with some social life (male and female but NO office romance)

3) to allow me to grow a little

4) to trap me or to let it trap me

5) to provide me with perspectives on my slow personal development

Since I discovered about two years ago that I was ADD/HD I recognize how many mistakes I made. I'm thinking that this period of unemployment will allow me to find another job in another field that will allow me to grow more. It seems that the baggage of the past is tough to cast away when you work in a narrow field.

Tim Baehr

Editor of Menletter, co-facilitator (with Larry Murphy) of a drumming and poetry circle.

I had experiences similar to the ones in Dale's description above when I started "men's work" in the late 1980s. Since then, I've been doing the work on and off -- mostly "on" for the past five years.

My life has changed tremendously. Is it age and maturity, experience, raising children, the love of a good woman, men's work, male friendships, or what? That's hard to tell; it's probably a combination of a lot of things or all things. But it's hard to gloss over the fact that a lot of changes have taken place since going deeper into men's work five years ago. I lost about 30 pounds, quit drinking, reconciled with my dad (after his death, unfortunately), worked harder on my marriage, opened myself up (at least a bit) to my sons, learned to meditate, went from an angry anti-feminist to a man devoted to celebrating masculinity. I started this newsletter and have taken some small steps into leadership.

Men's work, and particularly the men I've been blessed to work and play with, have figured BIG in these changes in many direct ways. Indirectly, my wife has figured big, too: supporting what I do, not feeling threatened (much), keeping me grounded when I go on a rant about how society treats men.