How to
Start a Men's Group
From Menletter November 2002 By Tim Baehr So
there you are, sitting in splendid isolation,
wishing you could be in a group. Maybe you're like I was, living from year to
year to go to an annual retreat. Here
are some ideas for getting a group together. They're not the only way to do
it; whole books have been written. But I hope a general outline will be
helpful. Kinds of groups
What
kind of group do you want? Unless you're eager to take pot-luck, it's a good
idea to give this some serious thought. At least initially, you should have
some focus for the group: drumming, poetry, mythology, neighborhood cleanup,
Bible reading, book club, film club, spirituality, mythopoetic
movement, men's rights, fatherhood.... Getting the group together
This
may look like the hardest part. It's hard enough with guys you know, and even
harder with strangers. Figure
out who you want in the group. You can start with as few as three. I wouldn't
make the list too big at first--maybe six or seven. Make some phone calls or
send some e-mails. If
you don't have anyone in mind, see if you can find members from within
another group you belong to. This could include your church or synagogue, a
preschool parents' group, the guys at work or the gym. If
you're "recruiting" guys you know, you probably have some shared
experiences and vocabulary for describing what you're up to. They may be more
than ready to come to a drumming and poetry circle, a men's mythology group,
a men's rights group, a fathers-of-toddlers group, or whatever. Perhaps
you don't already know the guys, in which case you may want to keep things
more general --or be quite specific, perhaps even using some terms like "mythology" or "mythopoetic."
The more specific you are, the more you're effectively doing a pre-screening.
This has its downside--you may say something that would turn off a man who
would otherwise be a great member of your group. Give
only a phone number, not your name or address, and invite men to call for further
information. First meeting
What
you do at your first meeting depends on who's in the group. If it's a bunch
of men you know, you may be able to plunge right in with ritual and a
"program." In most cases, however, it's a good idea to start out
slowly. Here are some first activities to get you started. 1.
Welcome statement. Thank the men for coming and introduce
yourself briefly. Tell the group the purpose for the meeting. 2.
Check-in. Go around the group and have men introduce themselves:
name, what brought them to the meeting, where they are currently with respect
to the meeting's purpose. Encourage the men to be brief and not to interrupt
anyone. 3.
Opening ritual. Obviously, this depends on the purpose of the
group. But an opening ritual can set the tone for the meeting and for the
group. Ritual is pretty much a wide-open area. It could include any of the
following, and more: ●
Lighting a candle ●
Burning incense ●
Smudging the room and the men ●
Reading a poem, brief essay, Bible verse, etc. ●
Singing a song ●
Moment of silence ●
Brief guided meditation ●
Saying or leading a prayer ●
Inviting ancesters to enter the circle Ritual
is very important! It is a signal that your group has set aside a place and
time outside of ordinary, everyday places and everyday times. (This is sometimes
called sacred space, but usually without the religious overtones.) 4.
Ground rules. Just a few "rules" will make things go
smoother and prevent misunderstandings (or worse). Just about any group could
benefit from your mentioning these: ●
There will be no personal attacks, verbal or physical. ●
Men will take turns talking, but no one should dominate the
conversation. ●
No alcohol or drugs may be offered or consumed. ●
No man should arrive at the meeting under the influence of drugs
or alcohol. ●
Radical Freedom: There will be no pressure for a man to do
anything he doesn't want to. ●
Any sensitive personal information stays inside the group. 5.
Activity. Do what your group was set up to do: Discuss the book,
get out the drums, clean up the neighborhood, view a video, plan an outing
with your children, read some poetry, and so on. You may find that you have
to provide some kind of program for this first meeting until other men are in
a position to contribute. If you're doing this with another man or two, you can
do a dog-and-pony show to get started. 6.
Miscellaneous. You may want to plan a break, time for
refreshments, general milling about. 7.
Processing. If it's appropriate, you might get the men in a
circle to share what they're experiencing. Establish a time limit and make
sure every man who wants to speak has a turn. 8.
Contact information. Be sure you have every man's phone number
or e-mail address. Make sure the men know how to contact you. 9.
Closing ritual. Extinguish the candle. Read a poem. Have a
moment of silence. Release the ancestors. Ongoing meetings
Subsequent
meetings can follow the pattern of the first meeting, perhaps without the
welcome and recitation of the ground rules. The check-in can omit the names
and backgrounds unless you have new members. Don't
let the meeting agenda turn into an orthodoxy.
Remain flexible to new ideas and new rituals. If a man comes up with a
different way to do something, be inclined to let it happen. At our most
recent drumming and poetry group, a man asked if he could lead us on a
walking meditation. We all went outside and walked slowly and silently around
the grounds, contemplating nature's beauty and being alone--and
together--with our thoughts. We didn't read as much poetry that afternoon,
but we were performing poetry of a different kind. Spreading the word,
welcoming newcomers
One
sure way to kill a group is to have a distinction between the old guard and
newcomers. Every new man should feel welcomed and a part of the group.
Although there may be men who do more of the planning and help lead the
meetings, there should never be a sense that there's an inner circle. Resolving conflict
In
my experience, conflict has rarely arisen in groups of men who meet with
intention. But there are some useful ways to deal with conflict if it arises.
I've seen something like the following used very successfully. 1.
If two men are in conflict and anger--or worse--is erupting,
stop everything. Whatever stage the meeting is in,
this is more important. 2.
Have the two men sit down as you go over a few points before
anything further takes place. If one or both men can't agree to the steps,
use your judgment: You may want to ask one of the men to leave the group, at
least temporarily, until things cool off. Everyone--the men in conflict and
the men in the group--should feel safe. ●
Everyone sits down except the two men in conflict. No one other
than those two men may say or do anything except witness what is going on. ●
The men stand in front of each other, about four or five feet
apart. ●
Each man may choose another man to stand in back of him. This
"backer" has no role other than to be present. He says and does
nothing. ●
The man with the grievance speaks first. You may want to have
him hold a talking stick to indicate his right to speak. He states what his
grievance is, preferably in sentences beginning with "I": "I
felt angry when you ...." for instance. Personal attacks and
speculations are forbidden regarding the other man's ancestry, looks,
ethnicity, motives, physical or psychological state, morals, and so on. The
grievance must focus on the facts a specific event. The man may conclude by
making a request of the other man. ●
The second man listens and must say nothing while the first man
speaks. When the first man has finished, the leader takes the talking stick,
if any, and hands it to the second man. ●
The second man has several options at this point. He may simply
say, "Thank you." He is under no obligation to explain or
apologize, though he may do so. He may ask for factual clarification. Under
no circumstances is he to begin a new grievance against the other man. ●
When the second man is finished, the leader takes the talking
stick (if any) and the men sit down. 3.
Now go through the steps. Don't rush the process. The whole
thing may take anywhere from fifteen minutes to an hour. 4.
If possible and appropriate, immediately go on to the previous
or next activity of your meeting. Scheduling meetings
I've
been to monthly meetings, and I've been to annual retreats. Annually is not
conducive having an ongoing men's group; monthly can sometimes feel like a
burden. The drumming and poetry group I'm in right now feels about right at
every six to eight weeks. Obviously, it's up to you. ©Copyright 2002 by Tim Baehr |