Boys Are Stupid

From Menletter February 2004

By Tim Baehr

You may have seen the news articles a few years back about a series of T-shirts with the message "Boys Are Stupid - Throw Rocks at Them" and other gems like "Boys Are Smelly - Throw Garbage at Them." The story hasn't gotten wide distribution, at least here on the East Coast.

Glenn Sacks, a columnist and radio personality, led a successful campaign to get the shirts pulled from retail stores.

I think of one of my grandsons wearing a "Boys are stupid" shirt and my heart sinks.

There are some women and men who think this is a tempest in a teapot, that men need to get real and get a sense of humor. Some have pointed out that the T-shirts are best-sellers and that some boys think the shirts are funny. Also, the shirts were designed by a man, so they must be OK. And boys are tough anyway, so why should they mind?

The logic is breathtaking.

If a woman had designed a shirt demeaning girls, would that be OK too? If some girls thought the shirt was funny (let's say it had the message "Girls Are Noisy - Stuff Socks in their Mouths" or something equally hilarious), would that make the shirts acceptable?

Oh, wait. A woman did design some kids' T-shirts about five years ago. And she got in trouble for her efforts. Here's an excerpt from a 1998 New York Times article:

Barb Wallis-Smith, a teacher and researcher who has run several "mothers-of-sons" discussion groups in the Boston area and just completed a book on boys' fantasy play, says she has found that "We believe badness is in boys." It has reached the point, Ms. Wallis-Smith said, that when she made T-shirts reading, "Boys Are Good," they raised objections among the student teachers she trains (one of whom was wearing a button reading, "So Many Men, So Little Intelligence.")

And when her young son wore a T-shirt extolling boys, she said, a woman driver passing by stopped her car to say, "Boys are good? Well, girls are better."

Not everybody can be a Barb Wallis-Smith or a Glenn Sacks. Yes, we can send letters and e-mails, and some of us may even have the energy and spunk to lead a protest. But what about the rest of us?

If we're dads, or if we have regular contact with kids (as teachers, uncles, grandparents, etc.), we have an opportunity to reach the kids we care about the most. So what can we do? We can talk to our sons and daughters or other kids. We can look for opportunities to dispel myths and gender stereotypes.

I won't go into the huge amount of material -- data and opinions -- about gender stereotyping. I really don't think we need to become little academicians or social workers to teach young girls and boys to think for themselves. If you want to dive deeper, you can Google "gender stereotype" and follow the links.

Whether we initiate conversations with kids or react to things they say, we can always do some things with them:

Look at the evidence. Are all boys/girls that way? Who do you know who's like that, and not like that? Is this something you've heard about or seen on TV, or have you seen it for yourself?

Look at the feelings. If everyone says boys are bad, how will that make them feel? Do you think they might start acting bad because people expect it? Would you really want to throw garbage at (name of a well-liked boy)? If people threw rocks or garbage at you, would it make you sad? Mad?

Look at opposites. Boys do cry. Even grown men cry when they are very sad or happy. Look at athletes when they have lost (or even won) a big game. Girls can do math. Some girls make great leaders, just like some boys. Both boys and girls can be faithful friends. Both boys and girls can be horrible gossips.

Look at the "so what?" factor. I think it's OK to acknowledge that there are differences, without going into whether they're biologically or socially driven. But most of them have a huge "so what?" factor. Yes, some girls talk a lot. That's how they connect with each other. Some boys do that too. So what? Yes, some boys never say much. They do things together, and that's how they connect with each other. Some girls do that too. So what?

Watch TV with them. There's more than enough gender stereotyping (and in some cases, downright mean-spiritedness) in ads and sitcoms to spark some great conversations. Years ago, one of my sons was fond of a show that depicted men as buffoons and women as brainless bimbos. When I asked him if he thought the show was realistic, he said no; what made the show funny was that it was so unrealistic. (Audible sigh of relief.) But I did express some alarm that he thought it was funny (the show was poorly written).

Be a role model. We should keep a weather eye (and ear) on our attitudes and statements -- all the time but especially in front of kids. This means not letting a man-bashing statement or ad go by without comment. It also means not demeaning girls and women, and pointing out when others do so. I think kids need to see that our self-confidence as men doesn't depend on putting anyone down.

If you haven't talked with your kids about what boys and girls are "supposed" to be like, you may be surprised or even appalled by what you hear, especially if their primary source has been TV. You may also be delighted by what you hear. But you won't hear anything unless you ask.

What's our goal in all this? I'd like to see a world in which boys are happy to be boys and girls are happy to be girls. I'd like to see a world in which boys and girls judge each other by what they see among individual boys and girls and men and women, and not what they're told by peers, adults, or the media.