An Anniversary

From Menletter October 2007

By Tim Baehr

On November 8, 2000, I stopped drinking alcohol. Each year that I've been involved in this newsletter, I've written to subscribers on the anniversary to express gratitude for the men who have gone before me into sobriety and who have been my inspiration. Many of the subscribers are friends and acquaintances I've met though men's retreats and gatherings.

This year, I extend that same gratitude to the wider group of (mostly) men who read the Web version of the newsletter. I sincerely believe that there exists a huge number of men of good heart. These - you - are men who wish the best for others (even when your own luck seems to have run out), and who gain strength from just knowing that other good-hearted men are out there. My profoundest thanks to any man who has faced overwhelming challenges and made difficult decisions. You continue to inspire me.

I don't know if my experience has any value to others, but if one or two of you gets something useful out of the following, that would be great.

First, I did not have to "hit bottom" to wake up to the fact that I needed to quit. I never lost a job or family, I was never unable to recall the night before, I never blacked out, I never got into fistfights, I never had a car accident, or anything like that. I did receive comments from family members about how I behaved when I'd overindulged, and I did have some doubts about my ability to control intake.

It was the last thing - doubts about my control - that got me to stop. I saw myself at the top of a slippery slope that would lead to the kind of rock-bottom experience that I'd heard and read about. As I teetered there, the downward view became darkly clearer and scarier. I stepped back.

Something to think about: If you're hearing inner voices doubting your self-control (either how much you drink or what you do when drinking), listen. Let yourself be scared. However interesting or compelling your hitting-bottom story may be, it's not one you'll relish retelling. Chicken out now. And do it for yourself and not solely because someone is trying to "get" you to stop.

I was able to get initial strength from the inspiration of other men I knew who had stopped. You may need to find such men, in your men's group or at an AA meeting. Doing it alone doesn't have much to recommend it when there are other men to lend you their strength.

Second, I loved certain aspects of drinking - the taste especially, and the sociability, and even the initial buzz after the first (but not the fourth) drink. I had to find ways to enjoy life, particularly food, without a cocktail or a glass of wine. Somehow, I got lucky. I like fizzy mineral water and imported nonalcoholic beers. I got to a point where I could help my wife pick out a wine by smell alone - with little or no temptation to drink. I don't recommend this kind of brinkmanship, but it has worked for me.

You may discover that you need to find a suitable substitute that you can tolerate or even like. This can be important at social gatherings: Instead of drawing attention to yourself ("I don't drink"), you simply ask for what you want ("Can I have a Coke?"). My goal has been to avoid drawing attention to myself and just enjoy the party. I'm not always successful, but it's worth it to try.

Finally, there is that matter of temptation. I decided to embrace it and talk about it rather than try to stuff it down and have it come out someday and bite me in the ass. So sometimes at the end of a very trying day, I'll say to my wife, "I would really love a tumbler of Jack Daniel's." I think she found this a bit disconcerting at first, but now she knows that I'm expressing a sentiment, not a plan. Yes, after seven years I still miss drinking. All aspects, including getting hammered from time to time.

I would never say I'll never go back to drinking. That would be too much of a setup for complacency and eventual failure. I want - I need - to stay leery of the consequences.

You may need to stay away from even the slightest temptation. On the other hand, you may become comfortable being around alcohol and other drinkers. Only you can determine this.

I can't say it enough, but I will say it one more time: Thanks to you and all generations of good-hearted men who have, just by existing, given me such inspiration and strength.